I collect my dinner (veggie burger, veggie sausage, baked beans and a boiled egg) and sit down at a table with a guy I’ve not spoken to yet.

ME – “Hey, how’s it going?”

HIM – “Awright. I may not be able to speak to you. Depends on what you’re in for.”

ME – “Oh….eh….OK…I didn’t do anything to children, if that’s what you mean.”

HIM – “That’s alright then. I don’t speak to those dirty fuckers o’er there.”

ME – “I guess I’ll talk to anyone. I’m not really interested in what people have done in the past. I figure we’ve all made mistakes in the past. We’ve all done things we should never have done. So it’s about moving beyond that and looking to the future.”

HIM – “The only mistake I made was killing the wrong guy. See when I get out of here I’m gonna hunt down that bastard and shoot him in the knee-caps.”

Over the next week, it’s a topic that he keeps coming back to whevever I sit with him. He mentions it only briefly and then the conversation moves on. One afternoon, I find myself at a table with him and two other guys.

HIM – “I killed a guy.”

ME – “You wear it as a badge, don’t you?…Something you take pride in.”

The table falls silent. I immediately kick myself for speaking before thinking. Nervous sideways glances are exchanged around the table as everyone tries to work out what will happen next. I shrink back into my seat and wish I could disappear. 

He frowns and looks at the table, his chin supported on clenched fists.

He lifts his head and looks me in the eye.

HIM – “There’s not a night goes by that I don’t cry about what I did”

His eyes are wet and he is blinking quickly to try to disperse the tears.

ME – “It’s good that you feel that way. I’ve cried a lot too.”