What is it like in prison?

So I’ve been here for five days so far, and, very surprisingly, am enjoying every day. Here are some answers to questions that friends and family have been asking me via emails, which are printed off and slipped under my door each morning.

QUESTIONS FROM FRIENDS

1. CAN YOU DRINK TEA AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE?

Let’s get down to the most important issues first, eh? Yes, I have a kettle in my room and am given a paper bag of teabags and sugar sachets every week. My room mate even boils the kettle for me at 7:30 each morning.

2. WHAT’S YOUR CORRIDOR LIKE AND HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN IT?

Well, there’s no corridor, but rather a rectangular-shaped hall. Never mind Orange is the New Black, here everything is beige, beige, beige, from the linoleum floors, to the concrete walls to the scratched plastic desk/shelf and shelving units. I hesitate to use the word “reception” coz it brings to mind other words that really don’t apply… words like ‘helpful’, ‘welcoming’, ‘efficient’, ‘friendly’… you get the idea. 11 cells run down either side of the hall, each one measuring 3·5m by 2·5 m – with a (beige) bunk bed, desk/shelf, two shelf units, toilet room, TV, and two (grey!) thick pipes that provide heating constantly. Most of the cells are designed to be big enough for 1 person, but because the prison is massively over capacity, throughout the prison there are actually two people in most of the single rooms. The window is made up of five tall, narrow panes, each one six fingers wide and two feet high, and a few inches apart. There is a cubicle shower room off the hall, and a small canteen service area opposite the reception desk. The shower cubicles have doors a bit like a horse’s stable with the top half missing. It’s a bit weird. And they’re those really annoying showers that only let water out when you’re actually pushing the button, which makes me grumpy.

3. WHAT’S THE FOOD LIKE IN PRISON?

Imagine a pretty bad school/ uni hall meal and it’s a fair bit worse than that. Breakfast is a little plastic bag of corn flakes/ rice crispies/ bran flakes and a roll with a wee tub of jam. Other meals are things like scotch pie and beans, goulash and rice and green beans, chicken pie. Sounds better than it is :p.

4 IS IT COLD IN PRISON?

Very warm – we keep the bedroom windows open 24/7 (2 of the 5 panels open). Definitely no need for that electric blanket.

5. WHAT’S YOUR CELLMATE LIKE?

I prefer to call him my roommate, but in jail lingo he’s my “co-pilot.” He’s very smiley and friendly. And very chatty. He’s very chatty. He chats a lot. And at night time he snores as much as he talks in the day. He watches telly all the time. Like, ALL the time. That means the telly is on….ALL…THE…TIME. I’m doing my best to learn how to read with background noise going on. All things considered though, I think I’ve been very lucky.

6. DO YOU WASH YOUR OWN CLOTHES?

There is a laundry service which is operated by inmates. I’ve been advised not to use it unless I don’t mind my clothes getting wrecked. Your clothes all get put in a string bag, and all the string bags are put in a big machine and washed very hot. I’ve not quite worked out whether to risk it or not…

7. DO YOU DO YOUR OWN CLEANING?

Yes, we can ask for cloths and scourers and fill a bucket when our rooms are unlocked. I asked for a dustpan and brush and got one (yay!), but they’ve run out of waste paper bins and toilet brushes (boo!). For the first 3 to 4 days I spent 2 hours each morning scrubbing all the walls and floor. I thought I’d finished the job but I’ve just noticed that there’s still five finger-smears of shit on the wall just above the TV….a job for tomorrow… Each hall has a couple of “Pass-Men” who are able to stay out of their rooms for an extra hour twice a day, to mop the floor of the common area and clean the tables. Rumour has it that they also act as “ears” for the wardens …inside informers re suspected drug deals. But I’ve noticed them slipping things under people’s doors, so it’s probably more likely that they’re part of the drug-smuggling system.

8. CAN YOU GET SNACKS?

Yes, once a week I can submit a form to buy crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc using money from my prison account. I was really happy to discover that there’s another form for fruit and some veg….I’m gonna have fruit on my cereal every day, like I did before I came to prison. I’m so pleased about that :). “Swaps” are taken very seriously indeed here…it’s just like being in the school playground. This morning I took the brave step of making my first deal…20 sugar sachets for a bag of golden wonder cheeseburger flavoured corn puff snacks. It was a proud moment and I felt almost like I’d been initiated into the underground world of prison-snack black marketing. Then I gave away half a packet of strawberry creams for nothing, which totally destroyed any street cred that I may have gained.

9. WHAT’S THE MOST USEFUL THING YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU?

A plastic wallet. I use it to organise my email print-offs.